ODYSSEY PART THREE: Lessons for Valentine’s Day

Now I would like to think that both of you are being interviewed. It's hard for me to imagine either of you without the other. When Lisa tries to find Belden in the slum, she: “Got lost but picked up quite a following of barefoot youngsters who seemed to recognize the one word we kept repeating, `Americano?’

“Suddenly the kids propelled us up to a high iron gate. They all shouted `BEL!’

That would have been the gate to a part-time CENTER for 500 people a day dreamed up by Belden in a devastated waterfront part of post-World War II Naples, Italy.

Later, Belden, you wrote home to parents very worried about your situation in a tough place that: “...she's the kind of person that grows on you, at least on me ... saw that I needed relaxation and very SUBTLY helped me LET down … noted my habits were not the greatest ... and was wise enough not to speak unless she had something important to say … was a good critic of my writing ... and her family seemed to have the same values as mine. She didn't push at all. You might almost think it had been planned!”

Belden, your mother said, upon hearing that you would leave Naples to enter grad school and would consider being married that: “I have a big son who, with the rapidity with which he moves, takes the breath out of his family!

Lisa received the same response from her family. Or, as she wrote home: “If I had given any sign of being interested in him, he probably would have run. Then suddenly ... after an enchanted evening and night of full moon, gondolas, and orchestras playing in Venice, we found ourselves discussing with the greatest ease what kind of wedding we wanted.”

Then on one of your many waterfront walks along the Bay of Naples ... you located a jewelry shop where you bought a ring, “which stands out as the cementing of a relationship that has lasted for more than fifty years.”

Q. Since those romantic beginnings in Italy, the two of you have worked together on many projects. With Valentine's Day so near, what can you share about how you learned to function as a team which may be of interest to young people contemplating life as a couple?

A. Belden. First, a little more about how we met and our early years, because this greatly influenced our later life. In future years when sometimes things got rough, those rich beginnings gave us tremendous staying strength.

Lisa. Armed with idealism and a backpack, I was roaming around Europe in 1952, looking for a way to help alleviate the terrible suffering and devastation following World War II. Running out of money in Rome, I looked up the office of the World Council of Churches; it was headed by a flamboyant White Russian, Prince Engalichev. He was intrigued by my story, especially that I didn't care about making money – a kind of pre-Peace Corps orientation. When he mentioned one Belden Paulson working in the Naples ruins, a light bulb went on: I recognized Bel's name because we'd been classmates at Oberlin College, though never knew each other there. Immediately, I hopped on a train and headed south with no address, but encountered some of Bel's small barefoot clients who led me to his center, Casa Mia. The next day he agreed to take me on.

Belden. Our year together in the dire conditions of Naples proved we could uncomplainingly function in the worst possible environment. We were idealists, working as volunteers – with no compensation other than the satisfaction of alleviating needs. Lisa not only respected that for almost three years I had lived simply with no amenities; she happily joined in. Although Casa Mia was small, it was Italy's first social settlement center – with large visible ramifications. It attracted people from all over. Lisa quickly grasped my proclivity for linking small creative projects to the challenges of large baffling problems.

We both also developed a great love for Italy that cemented a deep, lasting bond. We had continuing contact with people we knew in Italy. We could converse together in Italian. We rushed to Italian movies, and our first choice of cuisine usually was Mediterranean. Our first son, Eric, lived most of his early years in Italy; Steve, our second son, was born in Rome.

After eight years of marriage, the first really big bump in our relationship happened after I joined the University of Wisconsin in the early 1960s. I was fully engaged as a new faculty member, with classes and meetings in the community that took me away many nights and weekends. Lisa was home with two small children – suddenly a traditional suburban housewife. This was a far cry from our exciting cosmopolitan years living overseas, or even when she worked to support me while in grad school. Now, my work life barely involved her.

Lisa. These were my years of “malaise” when I imagined that I'd lost my sense of identity. Reading the new feminist, Betty Friedan, only exacerbated the frustrated feeling that I had no worthwhile profession, that I saw no outlet for my creative skills. I felt trapped and resentful.

Then, in 1971, it was finally my turn. There was an opportunity to help organize a school teaching altered states of consciousness, and soon I found myself speaking, writing, instructing, counseling. I was the one out every night while Bel had to rustle up meals for him and the kids. All of this happened over a long arc of time (with an important break in the latter 1960s when our family lived a tumultuous year in Northeast Brazil). I point out that nowadays young people demand more immediate gratification.

Bel and I had recognized from the beginning that we were in it (whatever “it” was) for the long haul. First we had a decade of exciting joint adventures, mostly abroad. Then Bel spent much of the next 10 years climbing the academic ladder and gaining civic recognition while I mostly idled at home (though with a bit of a challenge to the grey cells when I helped him by translating and editing his book, along with playing cello in the civic orchestra, and so on). Then in the first half of the 1970s, I was out in the limelight running classes and he took on a chunk of the home responsibilities. It wasn't until the latter '70s, after I had visited Findhorn, the renowned spiritual/ecological community in Scotland, and had brought back an idea for a huge local undertaking, that as a couple we came full circle – again working in tandem as full partners, fully committed to creating our own eco-community in rural Plymouth.

Belden. During my early university years, one of my main activities, typical for faculty, was writing for publication. I produced articles and monographs, and also a book – “The Searchers” – the story of Italy's most communist-voting village, where I lived for several months. I was constantly turning to Lisa as my critic and editor (not to mention typist of the final copy, before computers). Because I knew this was an imposition, I regularly offered to get outside help. Her response: no one else knows how your mind operates. Of course, I knew that no one could perform like her.

Over time we learned that in many facets of our lives – not only writing projects – we had amazingly complementary qualities. This organic relationship not only enhanced effectiveness in various projects; it integrated our lives where the sum was truly greater than the individual parts. This complementarity flowered most of all when we co-founded the High Wind ecological community.

Lisa. Yes – probably the most important dynamic of our relationship has been discovering that we're so complementary in our skills and perceptions. Here's a good example, just this morning, of how this works. I'm just finishing my next book and had asked Bel to look over the final draft. Pencil in hand, he frowned over interpretations he didn't agree with – exactly as I do when I proofread his writing. We're both writers and come at our craft from very different viewpoints. We tend to pounce hard. We ridicule each other's work in a way that we might not tolerate from an outsider. And though feelings are wounded when we're attacked, we know the other is right and that we'd be in serious trouble if we didn't pay careful attention and make the necessary changes. We each want to be accurate and effective.

We value and cherish what the other brings to the table – to our life, our work, our practical partnership in all its facets. We know that we need both fact checker and poet – odd because I (the poet) am usually the detail person in everyday matters, while Bel is “big picture.” Always these opposing qualities stand in healthy tension.

Our complementary approaches and perspectives have carried over into our social experiments where we've been a solid team – filling in the spaces the other doesn't see or isn't good at. In our High Wind community interactions, I was more a “process” person, while Bel tended to get impatient in long meetings, sometimes skimming obliviously over feelings of sensitive individuals in his eagerness to get to the important goals when others believed them impossible. I might be passionate or reactive about an issue, where Bel remained calm, the peacemaker. Balancing our very different approaches proved valuable for a couple attempting to exercise leadership together.

Finally, in our personal life now, division of labor works well. Unlike most contemporary young couples, where household chores are shared equally, we found many years ago that we each possessed specific, unique talents and interests, quite opposite from the other. I wake up every morning, profoundly grateful for this person who effortlessly fills in my gaps and for whom I can return the favors with what comes more easily to me. Complementarity, as we've both said. And yes, we've found this definitely is a good recipe for love.

• • •

To sum up the recipe…

Belden. To sum up what's been said above, our “recipe,” in my view, includes: our shared values on the deepest level, which includes many common interests, notwithstanding very different personalities; acceptance of the need for each of us to develop our own distinct identity, which nurtures our individual independence rather than dependence; while at the same time being fully aware of our fundamental interdependence, each of us knowing that our complementary abilities greatly enrich our relationship and our life together.

Lisa. Ingredients for an Enduring Relationship.

I affirm all that Bel says, concluding that our lives have indeed been filled with excitement, sparkle, great satisfactions and joy over a lot of years (we recently celebrated our 56th anniversary). In order to get to that place in a marriage or partnership, there are tips I'd offer:

Be kind: Allow the best traits/instincts of a mate to shine.

Indulge your partner: Encourage activities that he/she is passionate about, that bring delight, even if they aren't your thing.

Be patient: Recognize that there may be long arcs of experiences in a relationship – life events that balance out in the long run. One partner may have “innings” to shine for a while, and then they may switch. Admit to yourself that trouble may not always be the fault of the other; if you give up and walk away, the same problem is likely to surface with another partner.

Practice forbearance: Try not to be overly critical – bite your tongue. This is a challenge for a compulsive perfectionist like me whose proclivities and approaches are often opposite those of her mate. Be gentle! On the other hand, don't enable in toxic situations.

Be your own person: Don't let the attitude or behavior of a mate cripple your feelings of self worth. Don't be a doormat; you'll only end up a martyr. Both partners need to plan on together time as well as time spent apart for perspective.

Bel and I are fortunate in that we've never been faced with what are sometimes major conflicts in relationships: we've never had to deal with abuse, alcohol or drug problems. We've never disagreed on how to allocate money, how to parent, or how to spend recreational time. We've always concurred absolutely on the values, purposes and goals in our life together. We're incredibly grateful now for all the precious experiences over so many years – the tough learning ones mixed in with the innumerable rich ones – watching our kids grow up, many family trips, great fun with friends around the world, individual and joint creative projects. In sum, finding the balance that affirms complementarity as well as wholeness in oneself is key.

Lisa. Barry (and Christie), Bel thinks all these warnings could scare young people away from even trying marriage! But they were certainly the lessons we learned (or at least recognized) over time that made possible the successful, happy relationship we've ended up with.