They didn’t have a major like this when I went to college

There are plenty of things to see and do in Panama City Beach, Fla., at just about any cost, but we found our best entertainment for free the week we were there.

Just like last year, our visit to Terry’s brother and sister-in-law coincided with heart of the spring break season in Panama City Beach.

For several weeks in March and April every year, Panama City Beach becomes one of the largest college campuses in the country as students from all over head for the sun, the beach, the gulf water — and a lot of other things that propriety and postal regulations prevent me from listing here.

Suffice it to say that matriculating is probably about the only thing that the thousands of college students who invade the place every spring don’t do at the University of Spring Break-Panama City Beach.

There aren’t any lectures or classes in history, geography, economics or literature — although there are lots of biology lessons, anatomy demonstrations and the like going on.

There aren’t any dormitories, but there are plenty of high-rise condominium towers and low-rent motels housing thousands of college students.

Most of the action goes on along the avenue that runs along the Gulf Coast beach — called, appropriately, Front Beach Road.

Steve and Evie have a condominium only a block or two from Front Beach Road, so the favorite — and cheapest — form of entertainment every night was to walk the few blocks to Front Beach Road, grab a drink at one of the bars and sit out front watching the parade on the avenue.

And there was a parade every night, four-wheeled and two-legged.

The cars were pretty much bumper-to-bumper from one end of the road — which is several miles long — to the other.

I’m not really sure where they were all going to or coming from, but then again, they probably didn’t either. I think they were just driving to one end of the road, turning around and driving back to the other, just to be seen — in their car or, in the case of the fancier or more impressive vehicles, mom or dad’s car.

Although the majority of license plates were understandably from states in the frozen north and Midwest, there were surprisingly more than a few from southern states like Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and the like.

All of those states have at least some places on the same Gulf of Mexico that Panama City Beach is on, but they were on the gulf in Florida none the less. We may have to take our own research trip sometime in the future to someplace like Mobile or Biloxi to find out if their gulf-front streets are filled with cars from Florida during spring break.

The number of cars was equaled by USB-PCB undergraduates walking up and down the street. The evenings were still cool enough that most of the coeds did not venture out at night unbundled, unfortunately.

That, however, was what daytime walks along Front Beach Road were for. Walking to the store was actually a pretty pleasant undertaking for the most part.

One morning, walking to the store with Terry and Evie, Terry claimed there was one young coed walking on the other side of the street who was, shall we say, having a difficult time keeping her attributes under wrap — or her enthusiasm contained, if you will.

Of course, she told me this several blocks after the girl had passed us. I mean it’s not like I could do any more than be the little kid looking in the candy store window. Terry just probably didn’t feel like mopping up my drool, or pushing my eyeballs back in their sockets.

It did make for some spectacular views at the beaches that had nothing to do with the white sand, the blue water, the crashing waves or anything else like that.

If anyone bothered to ask us what we were doing, we just said that we were graduate students at USPPCB, or maybe faculty emeritus.

We did get up close and personal with one of the spring breakers shortly after we arrived at Steve and Evie’s condo Sunday night.

We were sitting around unwinding from the drive when the front door opened and a young man stumbled in. He looked around at the four of us, mumbled something about the right species but too old, then apologized and fell back out the door.

He returned a short while later, again apologizing and stumbling back out.

It turned out he was with a contingent from Nebraska that had rented the condo two doors down for the week. Apparently, the third time was the charm for him, as we didn’t see him again the rest of the night and we didn’t have to escort him home.

After all, that was a job for their dorm director, not the faculty emeritus. NEXT WEEK: What else we did in Panama City Beach — and yes, we did do something else.