Teen dating abuse
To the Editor:
It’s summer! Summertime and young love go together. Teens are meeting new people at summer jobs, parties, at the beach and on family vacations. The result can be a summer romance. Sometimes, what seems idyllic becomes an abusive, controlling relationship where one person is afraid of and intimidated by the other.
Usually before there is physical violence in a relationship, a pattern of verbal, emotional and sexual abuse is already established. If a victim attempts to slow things down or expresses feeling uncomfortable with their partner’s behavior, expectations and demands, the abuser rationalizes, justifies and increases the abuse and control.
Abusers do not accept responsibility for what they do. They blame the victim (what they said, did or did not do), other people (boss, coach, parents, etc.) or other factors (alcohol, drugs, depression, etc.) as the reason for the abuse.
After an incident, the abuser may apologize profusely, minimize what happened, or deny it occurred. The abuser may say jealousy and possessiveness are signs of love, a sexual assault is justified because they were “turned on” or owed something or minimize physical violence because it was not hitting or did not leave bruises. They may even deny any of their behavior is abusive at all.
Abusers can be the quintessential Eddie Haskell, very charming and polite in public; cruel, threatening and controlling when they are alone with their partner. To friends and family they may appear to be friendly, polite and considerate of others, the ideal boyfriend or girlfriend.
All of this is confusing for the victim who believes the apologies and excuses. The victim may believe changing themselves or doing things differently (
spending more time with their partner, not talking to other girls or guys, having sex, etc.) would make their relationship better. The victim may believe they are at fault, not the abuser, because the person does not act that way with anyone else, only them. Victims may be reluctant to tell anyone because they think no one will believe them because of the abuser’s good public face.
Is abuse a part of your teen’s dating relationship? If your immediate response is “no,” it is important to know dating violence can happen to any teen, regardless of the “kind of family” they come from, and it happens in gay and lesbian relationships as well as heterosexual ones.
Even if you have a close relationship, there may be things your teen has not shared. Pay attention to their behavior, appearance and their relationships with friends. It might indicate your teen is involved in an abusive relationship if you notice any of the following.
• Your teen has a friend who constantly checks on them (calls, texts, comes to your home asking where your teen is).
• Your teen shows undue concern about upsetting a friend or makes excuses for a friend’s behavior.
• Your teen gives up activities, interests and friends that had been important to them.
• Your teen shows radical changes in their eating or sleeping habits or school performance.
• Your teen has a sudden change in appearance – eyes are often red and puffy, uses a lot of makeup, wears clothing or changes hair style to conceal injuries.
• Your teen has unexplained injuries, bruises or scratches.
Now that you are aware of some warning signs, it’s time to have a conversation with your teen about relationships. Download a copy of “A Parent’s Guide to Teen Dating Violence: 10 Questions to Start the Conversation” free at: www.loveisnotabuse.com.
Free help and information is available at Safe Harbor. Call 452-7640 or visit our website at www.sheboygansafeharbor.org.
Mary Fontanazza, director of advocacy, Safe Harbor of Sheboygan County
