These ice mis-capades have me out of circulation

Emmitt B. Feldner  for The Review

NFL quarterbacks sprain their medial collateral ligament when they’re slammed to the ground violently by a beefy rushing linebacker.

NHL goalies sprain their medial collateral ligament when a hurtling lineman crashes into them violently in the crease.

Me? I sprain my MCL when ice on the front porch steps compels me to take three steps down at once, landing on my foot on the front sidewalk and twisting my right knee.

It just served to reaffirm my strong belief that the only place for ice is in a drink.

And by the way, congratulations – you are now the 127th person to tell me that’s what they make rock salt for, to put on steps and sidewalks so you don’t slip on the ice and hurt yourself. Thanks.

Being a Monday morning – could there really be any more appropriate time for something like this than Monday morning - I managed to make it in to work, but spent the day hobbling around trying to keep from putting any weight on my knee, which was throbbing pretty regularly.

It was also nicely swollen by that point, so I put ice on it as soon as I got home – which seemed somewhat incongruous to me, since it was ice that got my knee in this shape in the first place.

I mean, I’ve heard the old saying “fight fire with fire” but I never heard the apparent corollary - “fight ice with ice.”

I also wrapped the knee and took the strongest painkiller I could find in the house – pill, not liquid – and managed to get at least a little sleep that night.

Tuesday I found a cane that was among the many medical supplies and equipment we’ve managed to accumulate over the years and made that my constant companion.

I started out calling it Candy, but Terry got jealous when she thought I had a new girlfriend, so I took to calling it Abel instead.

I also felt like all I needed was a top hat and tails and I could do my Michigan J. Frog imitation.

Of course, I had “Hello My Baby” and “The Michigan Rag” running through my head all day after I said that.

After hobbling around all day Tuesday I finally went to the doctor and got the official diagnosis – a sprained medial collateral ligament in my right knee.

I was told to keep doing pretty much what I had already been doing – keep ice on it, use the cane for support and stay off my feet for as much as possible for a couple of weeks.

Of course, he did say that I would never be able to play the violin again, but that’s only because I never could before and have no musical proclivities of any kind whatsoever.

The same is also true for any athletic endeavor of any kind.

I took Thursday off from work and spent the day in the easy chair with my knee iced and the remote control nearby.

Fortunately we have Netflix and an ample collection of DVDs and blu-rays or else I would have sprained my brain had I been forced to watch what passes for daytime television.

It has forced Terry to serve as my chauffeur, as driving with my right knee swollen and wrapped in an ACE bandage is a real challenge.

I do have to say, she’s the bestlooking taxi driver I’ve ever had – and after trying to name my cane Candy, I have to say that.

It can be quite a challenge to get in and out of a car seat with one leg almost completely stiff.

I’ve found that the best method is to go in butt first, scooch over as far as you can toward the center console, then gingerly swing your right leg in the door.

I’m just glad there’s no video of me making that maneuver.

I’m currently in my second week on the injured reserve list and I’m glad to say that the swelling – and the pain – has gone down considerably.

That’s not to say that I’m ready to run the 100-meter dash yet – but then again, I probably wasn’t able to do that even before I slid down those ice-covered steps.

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