Seems like every time they look, they find something

Emmitt B. Feldner • forThe Review

I’m searching for a certain brand of breakfast cereal that I haven’t been able to find in any grocery stores.

I had my first colonoscopy a few weeks ago and it naturally turned up something.

And I know what you’re thinking – if they’d done a brain scan they would have found nothing.

What the doctor discovered is that I have diverticulosis.

That sounds like some kind of political practice, but it’s actually the formation of little pouches in the lining of the colon.

As long as the pouches don’t get infected or inflamed, it isn’t a problem at all – the trick is just to keep them from becoming infected or inflamed, which is when it turns into diverticulitis and becomes serious.

One way to insure that, apparently, is with a high-fiber diet – which is why I’ve been searching in vain for Colon Blow cereal.

I remember seeing a commercial for it about two dozen years ago and it supposedly had 30,000 times the fiber as regular oat bran cereals.

With a few bowls of that stuff, I figure not only will I not have to worry about diverticulitis but I might be able to blow all those little pouches away.

All right, I know that was a “Saturday Night Live” sketch, but you never know what you might find on the Internet.

I will say that Raisin Bran is now my favorite cereal and I’m eating a lot more salads – why take any chances?

The colonoscopy went well, but that’s only because I slept through the whole thing.

It was supposed to be just a light anesthetic, but I zonked out shortly after they wheeled me into the room and missed all the fun.

That’s because they scheduled it at 8 in the morning; I had to be at the hospital at 6:15, and I’d been up most of the night going through the mandatory purge.

I’m not saying I spent a lot of time in the bathroom the night before my procedure, but I was getting pretty close to sleeping in the bathtub just so I wouldn’t have so far to go to get to the toilet.

It did give me a chance to catch up on some reading – like several years’ worth.

I do get to look forward to colonoscopies on a regular basis – the next one in five years – so I figure next time I’ll just take a computer in the bathroom with me and read all of Wikipedia – from aardvark to ZZ Top.

Although this was my first colonoscopy, it wasn’t my first endoscopy procedure.

About a dozen years ago, the same doctor who did my colonoscopy did an upper gastrointestinal endoscopy on me.

I didn’t check, but I’m assuming he used a new tube for the colonoscopy – I assume they change them more often than once a decade.

I was awake for that procedure – probably because all I had to do for that was not eat or drink anything for eight hours beforehand.

That just meant I had to stop eating or drinking overnight – which I usually do anyway – and I wasn’t up all night.

That endoscopy found that I was the proud owner of an ulcer – which didn’t come as a surprise, really, after having raised two teenage sons.

But it seems that every time I have one of these procedures the doctor finds something else inside me, so I’m having some doubts about another one in five years.

After all, I’m afraid they might find I have one of those chest-buster embryos from the movie “Alien” next time.

On the other hand, I would like to read all of Wikipedia, so maybe I’ll just take my chances.

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